A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid
her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and
write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to
begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without."
Full Version: Okay Then A Better Joke
It's not really funny but it's amusing. 
Okay.
You're getting better...
QUOTE(LilJames @ Aug 31 2005, 08:33 PM) 
You're getting better...
This is old. I heard it months ago. 
Not really funny any more.
Not really funny any more.
QUOTE(LilJames @ Aug 31 2005, 03:33 PM)
You're getting better...
Third times a charm I hope.
QUOTE(Scouse-Red @ Aug 31 2005, 02:25 PM)
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Would be sad if it said, "One with meatballs, one without, one a combo".
QUOTE(.Wolfie @ Aug 31 2005, 11:55 PM)
Would be sad if it said, "One with meatballs, one without, one a combo".
What goes on in your mind!
Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.
As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.
My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My
Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously
On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?" I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?" She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday."
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember.
My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My
Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me." I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!"
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously
On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?" I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?" She Said, "let's Go To My Apartment."
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."
"ok." I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy Birthday".
And I Just Sat There...
On The Couch...
Naked.
haha that one was good i have to admit. 
ROFLMAO.
I've read that one before, but it's still funny.
Read it before, but, yeah.
Great joke!
Oh dear....
definitley worth a crack...haha...read that many times but i still cant help laughing...
lmao! could you imagine being in that dudes shoes lol
QUOTE(Midnightmadness @ Sep 2 2005, 04:26 PM)
lmao! could you imagine being in that dudes shoes lol
I'd drop to the ground rubbing all around saying, "get it off, get it off!" and rubbing all around like if there's something on me and I'm trying like mad to get to it.
The Pope in Heaven
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks the Pope who he is.
The Pope : I am the Pope.
St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope : I'm the representative of God on Earth.
St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me...
The Pope : But I am the leader of the Catholic Church...
St. Peter: The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss.
St. Peter walks away trough Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.
God : I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus.
(yells for Jesus)
Jesus : Yes father, what's up?
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus : Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus : Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks the Pope who he is.
The Pope : I am the Pope.
St. Peter: Who? There's no such name in my book.
The Pope : I'm the representative of God on Earth.
St. Peter: Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me...
The Pope : But I am the leader of the Catholic Church...
St. Peter: The Catholic church... Never heard of it... Wait, I'll check with the boss.
St. Peter walks away trough Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth.
God : I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I'll ask Jesus.
(yells for Jesus)
Jesus : Yes father, what's up?
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus : Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus : Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists
This came to me in an e-mail today, I thought Id post in this thread
QUOTE
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME:
George Martin
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. ! ; Monday , Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!
NAME:
George Martin
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. ! ; Monday , Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
QUOTE(WeBMr. @ Sep 3 2005, 03:22 PM)
The Pope in Heaven
...
...
QUOTE(Midnightmadness @ Sep 3 2005, 04:45 PM)
This came to me in an e-mail today, I thought Id post in this thread
Saw one like that olny had a teen in it and McDonals(SP?).
I translated a joke to english...
QUOTE
UN decided to do an international research. The question was: "Say honestly, what is your opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world?" The result was a disaster. A total failure.
Europeans were new to the word "lack". Africans never heard of such thing as "food". North-americans didn't even want to know what "the rest of the world" was. Cubans asked for further explanations on the word "opinion". And the Brazilian Congress is still discussing what "honestly" means.
Europeans were new to the word "lack". Africans never heard of such thing as "food". North-americans didn't even want to know what "the rest of the world" was. Cubans asked for further explanations on the word "opinion". And the Brazilian Congress is still discussing what "honestly" means.
QUOTE(tom-riddle @ Sep 3 2005, 11:31 PM)
I translated one of our jokes to english...
I've heard variations of that before.
QUOTE(CTerry @ Sep 3 2005, 07:33 PM)
I've heard variations of that before.
I don't know exactly where it came from, I recieved it in my e-mail. It's been around for a few years. I'll drop the "our" comment then, maybe it's an adaptation...
I think it's funny, anyway.
QUOTE(Aaron S @ Sep 3 2005, 05:20 PM)
Saw one like that olny had a teen in it and McDonals(SP?).
That was the same one, I was surprised to see it got changed to Wallmart
still funny though
A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping
off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he
had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you
mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He
carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the shrimps.
Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman
then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to
sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he
sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you
see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare
and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's
knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and
pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for
that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police
smell your fingers
off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he
had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you
mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
"Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He
carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the shrimps.
Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman
then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to
sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he
sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you
see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare
and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's
knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and
pulled the train alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for
that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police
smell your fingers
QUOTE(Scouse-Red @ Sep 5 2005, 11:56 AM)
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers
Dude should have been more considerate at the start.
QUOTE(Midnightmadness @ Sep 2 2005, 04:26 PM)
lmao! could you imagine being in that dudes shoes lol
He wouldn't have shoes in the first place if he was naked in the first place?
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